I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly in response to my reactions to changes that have come about in my life. Take Thanksgiving - a perfect example. I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner for more years than I want to count. When my daughter married, she and her husband chose to spend this holiday with his family. The dinner is hosted by his grandparents, who are approaching their late 80's. Switching off years in order to have the "day" at my house is not an option. Since their marriage, I have chosen to have Thanksgiving on Friday instead. I no longer have this option as my newest granddaughter, Ashlyn, was born two days after Thanksgiving last year.
I was not "feeling it" this year, for sure! Although I was invited to David's grandparents to share in their dinner, logistics and school commitments required that I make a choice between traveling 3 hours in each direction for either Thanksgiving or Ashlyn's first birthday party. I chose the birthday party, all the while inwardly sulking that I wasn't going to get "my share". On Thanksgiving, Jeffrey (my nephew who lives with me), his girlfriend and I all went OUT to dinner. A first for me! And I traveled down to San Diego on Friday to help with the birthday party preparations and celebration on Saturday. A good time was had by all, and I feel that I chose the right way.
I've still been feeling "out of sorts" about this whole holiday thing, all based on the honest truth that I still want to be the center of the family. When Christmas rolls around, I don't want to still be feeling this way. Elizabeth has three sets of families to please for this holiday - her husband's, her father's, and me. Last year, we had Christmas dinner the day after. I could see how stressed she and David were about having to try to live up to other people's expectations and demands on their time. It was easy for me to make that change in the schedule, because my love for her transcends all. When looked at in this way, it's all quite simple!
Obviously, it's been a time for me to perform a "reality check". Things HAVE changed. I am no longer the center, nor should I be. My expectations in this area have lead me to a time of sulking and feeling a little sorry for myself. This is NOT a good place to be. My attitude has lead to my missing out on the joys of the season. Time for an adjusted perspective, and focus on the abundance of things in my life that I am grateful for. Once again, I must learn to let go.
So, when next Thanksgiving rolls around, I will gladly join the dinner table, wherever it may be located. According to Elizabeth, she and David will be hosting at their house next year. I'm officially passing the torch on to her!
Oh, the holidays... they are so difficult for nearly everyone it seems. I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do. Change is never easy, especially when it comes to our kids. I'm glad that you feel that you chose right for Thanksgiving and I hope that other holidays leave you fufilled. :)
ReplyDeleteMany years ago when first married my husband and would do both his parents and my parents holidays dinners which were held on the same day.....we used to be so full of food and so exhausted but we didn't want to hurt anyone. Looking back I should of just taken turns with each family, I took something easy and made it very hard......I was so glad when we finally let go and had our own holiday celebrations and invited any and everyone over.....:-) Hugs
ReplyDeleteThat is so insightful of you. Yes, it's easy to want things to stay the same but when the kids move on, there are a heck of a lot of more families to consider. You are right to take it as it comes and not stress out the kids who are trying to please everyone at once. Well written!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it sad that things have to change for us, that kids grow up and move away and Xmas and Easter and birthdays etc are not the same. I'm experiencing some of that.
ReplyDeleteStill, I applaud the decision you've come to. The most important thing in our lives is our children. I've recently decided that no matter where they are, if I can afford it, I will go to them rather than have them come to me. I will try to make myself available to them for whatever and not put pressure on them and thereby try to get as much time and joy with them as I can. I just want to be with them.
GOD bless you. We have faced the same battles. We have a blended family of 5 children (all grown, but one who is almost 17). We have chosen to make it easier on them. We have surrendered Thanksgiving. They all travel to other places on that day and we land where we land. This year we went out to lunch with another couple who were in the same boat and had a great time. On Christmas we celebrate with everyone here on Christmas Eve and this allows them to all go other places on Christmas day. At first it was not easy, even though we knew it was best. Now, as the children are all happy and doing well...we praise GOD in the decision to make it about "what Jesus would do" and NOT about us.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea
You're a wise woman, Saranne. There's not a lot wrong with allowing yourself a little time to mourn what you no longer have - I wouldn't call it sulking.
ReplyDeleteYes it is hard to recognize and accept that we are no loner the center of our children's lives. Half the time I think I've managed that, and then realize I'm still holding on to what used to be. it's like being de-throned, losing your crown!!! No wonder we have a hard time with it! But my hat is off to you for doing what is needed to reduce the stress for your dear daughter, and to allow yourself to feel happier about a new role. May you have a joyous, happy Christmas!
In 5 or 10 years time you'll know how it's worked out.
ReplyDeleteYou will perhaps once again be the centre of the next generation's universe, perhaps at one remove. it is difficult to realize that one is no longer of the greatest relevance, but hey, you could also see it as an opportunity to become the centre of YOUR OWN universe! You could even please yourself!
Good luck.
Been there, done that! I can't remember the last time my husband and I spent and actual holiday with his kids-- There are just too many sets of parents to please. So we signed on for specific alternative dates around the holidays and have been doing our celebrating that way for years. It works for everyone and we have out whole family together in our home for the "holiday season". And, on the actual holidays, we've started other traditions-- Thanksgiving day, Christmas Eve, and Christmas day, with friends who also don't get to spend actual holidays with their families either. We're kind of the "orphan group" but we've made new traditions and it's all good now. But it took a while to get used to. Hang in there.
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It is so hard to see them grow and let them go, isn't it? I love your change in attitude. To me Thanksgiving is not so much a day, but a state of mind. I can tell that you are thankful for your children, family, and grandbabies. Enjoy the moments and you'll do just fine.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your change of attitude. I have always been so thankful that my MIL had a movable date for Christmas. It's always been celebrated on whatever day everyone could be there. Some years it was as late as the 30th. It really took the pressure off and placed the importance on the people not the date or the host. I am following in her example and Christmas this year will be on the 29th which is when all my kids can get home. I'm so glad that you are back in the Holiday Spirit!
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