Still Standing.....

...albeit a bit battered, stooped and weathered, I'm still here...still hanging on, literally....numbed by the reality that is mine today...not certain as to my direction (an unfamiliar place for me)....but clasping the moments in time that can still speak to my heart...and wondering where in the world I will be at this time next year....yearning for the positive, hopeful, creative and capable me that still exists, but is currently buried deep within...but knowing that this, too, shall pass...

Never Give Up....

has become my mantra.....Emma taught me this when she was two years old, and had been put down for her nap....when my daughter checked on her, Emma was lying in bed, wide awake and chanting "Never give up....never give up!"  I have been chanting this on a regular basis myself over the past six months!  `Many days, I have given in to the feelings of anxiety, fear and despair over not being able to find a job.  But many more days have found me chanting!  In my heart, I know that my inability to find a job has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the economy.....but it's difficult to block out the negative thoughts that tell me my success in the past was just a fluke, or that I'll never work again...that's where my mantra comes in.  I am choosing to view this time in my life as a growing period...and believe me, I'm stretching!  I've become willing to consider and to apply for many different types of employment....willing to change locations....willing to give up the known for the unknown.  I never thought that I would be in this place at my age, but the fact is, I am.  I know that I am not alone in this.  And I do have a choice....I can view this as the worst thing that has ever happened to me, or I can "faith it 'till I make it" , whatever that looks like.  Viewed with faith, my future looks bright even though I have no clear picture of what it will be like...kind of exciting...an adventure!  In the meantime, I am keeping busy not only looking for employment, but also taking the time to notice and to feel all the good that life has to offer.  I am living my life, job or no job, and it feels good!  Thank you, Emma, for teaching me this most important lesson!  

Take Two Granddaughters and Call Me in the Morning....

I haven't been posting because I've been in a deep funk....life continues to throw me curve balls....and I've let a few of them hit me in the head!  I am certain that there are so many lessons and messages that I need to learn and to hear...my doctor has changed my medication, which will result in my having a few weird days until I adjust to it. but then I expect that I will view the playing field as leveled out once again...I'm looking forward to being better able to roll with the punches....still no jobs in sight...in the field of education or anything else, for that matter...I had taken the training course required to become a literacy tutor for the public library system.....got my first student two weeks ago....and he has not returned my telephone calls...I'm beginning to be able to laugh about how all of the doors that lead to me being able to teaach...following my dream by quitting my job and going to school full time....are just not opening for me...no takers in Korea...no takers in the California educational system for any internship positions, or any position for that matter....I've recently discovered a blog new to me-Happy, Joyous and Free...she is dealing with some similar issues, and I am drawing on the strength and wisdom of her sharing...in particular, her comment on "faith it til you make it" resonated within me....so I am taking baby steps, working myself out of a pit of anxiety and despair, and believing that the answers will come when I am ready for them.  In the meantime, I had the joy of taking care of my two granddaughters in San Diego for a few days last week while my daughter attended a conference...exhausting, yes, but totally fulfilling...it felt good to have a sense of purpose!  One step, one day at a time, I believe that this season of my life will pass, and that the experience will have enriched me and helped me to grow in ways that right now I am blind to.  I just hope that this season ends soon!  ox

Sometimes, You Just Have to Think Outside of the Box...

Lately, I haven't know if I've been coming or going...having my plans not work out has filled me with anxiety and I've felt as if I've been drifting at sea without a compass or an anchor... I know it's a cliche, but I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired...and I started to be able to think outside of the box...so, here's the new direction I'm taking....and it feels good to have choices!

First, I am fixing up my house for either sale or rental...which will depend on the second....I've applied to teach English in Korea!  The first steps on this adventure have been taken...now I have to do a short video of myself to submit...practiced today, and although I was shocked by my appearance on the practice video (surely that older woman can't be ME!) , tomorrow will be a better day.  IF When I get a job there, it will be a grand adventure for a year.  I've always had "happy feet" and love to travel....I'll rent my house out and go to Korea, happily teaching English and immersing myself in a new culture....of course, I'll miss my family and friends like crazy (that's what Skype is for), but it is a win-win situation....I'll get to educate, travel, AND by living frugally, pay off a huge portion of my bills....who could ask for more?  

In the meantime, I'm still looking here in California - every day - no school districts are hiring substitutes, as they have a ready-made pool of laid off teachers....so, I will be taking a training course in a couple of weeks in order to become a reading tutor through the public library system....I WILL teach, no matter where it is!  I am painting, cleaning out closets, and installing new light fixtures....I love my remodeled bathroom, and just have a few touch ups to complete it....finally!  

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be accomplished...but, one bite at a time, I'm sure I can do it!

Questions and Decisions....

Oh, I am not comfortable at all where I am at the moment....months of job searching have been fruitless...I am currently living on my credit line....this is NOT who I thought that I was...someone who always had a plan accompanied by the drive and the bull-headedness to see my plan through to fruition....well, the cards are being shuffled and I don[t know what the hand I will be dealt will turn out to be....quite the unsettling place to be, I must say!  I still feel that I have some choices, however....at this point, I am not liking any of them,,,my daughter has always said that she and her husband are planning on me eventually living with them...this is NOT an acceptable option for me...I spent a LONG time on the phone with my dearest brother in Colorado tonight...he is all for me coming to Colorado and staying with him and his wife until I figure things out;..I am so grateful for the safety net that he is offering, but it goes against everything that I believe that I am....I am just confused and unsettled...not certain as to what the right thing for ME is...I LOVE my little house and the life that I have carved out here in California....I don't want to upset the equilibrium that I have painstakingly achieved...but life is about changes, right?  Please keep me in your thougjhs and prayers as I work on figuring out what the right course of action for ME should be!  Thanks!  OX

There's a Good Side to Everything....

I have had "next-door neighbor problems" ever since I bought my home 13 years ago...as I live in a cul-de-sac, "my" neighbor problems were everyone's neighbor problems.  Without boring you all with the details, the woman (let's call her Mary) who lived next door to me was mentally ill - very much so.  Although I have an  almost inexhaustable amount of compassion, over the years, I finally had to assert myself with her and establish boundaries that she could not cross...as did everyone else in the cul-de-sac...her presence, unfortunately, cast a pall over the neighborhood...we neighbors rarely congregated in the middle of the street, or spoke to each other...because to do so, would alert Mary to come out and join us, causing mayhem and upheaval.  Over the past few months, Mary had become much, much quieter....for example, her front lawn and garden were her pride and joy...she spent hours outside, grooming every leaf and blade of grass....the lawn wasn't being watered, and nature was taking its course with her rose bushes and plants...it finally dawned on me that something was not OK with her...and that bothered me....and then her car disappeared for a couple of weeks before I left for Italy...while I was gone, she was very much on my mind...I prayed and pondered over what I could do for her that wouldn't redraw the boundaries that I had established...I decided that I could take care of her prized rose bushes that divided our driveways (they were actually mine, but that is another story...I abdicated them to her because they brought her such joy)...I came home planning to prune and water and feed....but Mary's car still wasn't in its accustomed place in her driveway...I had a really bad feeling about all of this....and my feelings were correct...Mary had not been well, and had passed away after a terrible accidental fall that left her on life support....her family let her go while I was gone...I had a sad day feeling guilty about how I had felt about her, mitigated by the knowledge that there was nothing that I could have done to help her during her lifetime and the fact that I had decided to perform a random act of kindness by caring for her rosebushes...to let her know that someone had noticed and cared...although I didn't get to follow through on my act of kindness, I realized that doing these acts of kindness are an important part of my life...and that I will continue to look for opportunities to do so....like putting all of my recyclable bottles into one big bag, and putting them on top of my recycling bin for the people who come and dig through my trash on trash day...or giving up my aisle seat in the plane so that a young couple could sit together during the long flight from Rome to Montreal...these things all say "You are important, and I SEE you"...Mary's passing only helped to cement my attitude toward others, and I will continue to look for opportunities to make a difference....my little cul-de-sac has a brand new lease on life...children are playing on their bikes on the street, neighbors are throwing balls for their dogs to catch, and we are all talking and visiting with each other....Mary is at peace with her demons, and the neighborhood is coming to life...as for me, I'm off to water the roses!

Back to Reality.....

The Andrea Bocelli concert in Tuscany was surreal....an outdoor theatre, set in the countryside....I'm still smiling!  Rome was HOT but wonderful....I am still processing all that I saw and did...wonderful, welcoming B&B in Rome....scrambling and just making the train to Florence...driving through the Tuscan countryside where every turn brought a new feast for my eyes...riding horses in Chianti...and rediscovering my "sit bones"...revisiting Michelangelo's "Pieta" in St. Peter's Bascilica.... and his "David" in Florence...lovely B&B in Florence....getting lost at night in the maze of small streets there and taking a cab "home"...putting my toes in the Tyrrhenian Sea...trying new foods and liking most of them (NOT the wild boar...)....My sis is the photographer, and am waiting on receiving her pics in order to share all of the beauty that surrounded us.....Met wonderful people.....ended up having to stay in Montreal for a night as my plane was late....all part of the adventure!  It is good to be home...my daughter and  her family surprised me by coming to stay for this week...so, it's back to business as usual...but I am sifting through and savoring my memories!