Monday, January 17, 2011
...albeit a bit battered, stooped and weathered, I'm still here...still hanging on, literally....numbed by the reality that is mine today...not certain as to my direction (an unfamiliar place for me)....but clasping the moments in time that can still speak to my heart...and wondering where in the world I will be at this time next year....yearning for the positive, hopeful, creative and capable me that still exists, but is currently buried deep within...but knowing that this, too, shall pass...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
has become my mantra.....Emma taught me this when she was two years old, and had been put down for her nap....when my daughter checked on her, Emma was lying in bed, wide awake and chanting "Never give up....never give up!" I have been chanting this on a regular basis myself over the past six months! `Many days, I have given in to the feelings of anxiety, fear and despair over not being able to find a job. But many more days have found me chanting! In my heart, I know that my inability to find a job has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the economy.....but it's difficult to block out the negative thoughts that tell me my success in the past was just a fluke, or that I'll never work again...that's where my mantra comes in. I am choosing to view this time in my life as a growing period...and believe me, I'm stretching! I've become willing to consider and to apply for many different types of employment....willing to change locations....willing to give up the known for the unknown. I never thought that I would be in this place at my age, but the fact is, I am. I know that I am not alone in this. And I do have a choice....I can view this as the worst thing that has ever happened to me, or I can "faith it 'till I make it" , whatever that looks like. Viewed with faith, my future looks bright even though I have no clear picture of what it will be like...kind of exciting...an adventure! In the meantime, I am keeping busy not only looking for employment, but also taking the time to notice and to feel all the good that life has to offer. I am living my life, job or no job, and it feels good! Thank you, Emma, for teaching me this most important lesson!
Monday, October 11, 2010
I haven't been posting because I've been in a deep funk....life continues to throw me curve balls....and I've let a few of them hit me in the head! I am certain that there are so many lessons and messages that I need to learn and to hear...my doctor has changed my medication, which will result in my having a few weird days until I adjust to it. but then I expect that I will view the playing field as leveled out once again...I'm looking forward to being better able to roll with the punches....still no jobs in sight...in the field of education or anything else, for that matter...I had taken the training course required to become a literacy tutor for the public library system.....got my first student two weeks ago....and he has not returned my telephone calls...I'm beginning to be able to laugh about how all of the doors that lead to me being able to teaach...following my dream by quitting my job and going to school full time....are just not opening for me...no takers in Korea...no takers in the California educational system for any internship positions, or any position for that matter....I've recently discovered a blog new to me-Happy, Joyous and Free...she is dealing with some similar issues, and I am drawing on the strength and wisdom of her sharing...in particular, her comment on "faith it til you make it" resonated within me....so I am taking baby steps, working myself out of a pit of anxiety and despair, and believing that the answers will come when I am ready for them. In the meantime, I had the joy of taking care of my two granddaughters in San Diego for a few days last week while my daughter attended a conference...exhausting, yes, but totally fulfilling...it felt good to have a sense of purpose! One step, one day at a time, I believe that this season of my life will pass, and that the experience will have enriched me and helped me to grow in ways that right now I am blind to. I just hope that this season ends soon! ox
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Lately, I haven't know if I've been coming or going...having my plans not work out has filled me with anxiety and I've felt as if I've been drifting at sea without a compass or an anchor... I know it's a cliche, but I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired...and I started to be able to think outside of the box...so, here's the new direction I'm taking....and it feels good to have choices!
First, I am fixing up my house for either sale or rental...which will depend on the second....I've applied to teach English in Korea! The first steps on this adventure have been taken...now I have to do a short video of myself to submit...practiced today, and although I was shocked by my appearance on the practice video (surely that older woman can't be ME!) , tomorrow will be a better day.
IF When I get a job there, it will be a grand adventure for a year. I've always had "happy feet" and love to travel....I'll rent my house out and go to Korea, happily teaching English and immersing myself in a new culture....of course, I'll miss my family and friends like crazy (that's what Skype is for), but it is a win-win situation....I'll get to educate, travel, AND by living frugally, pay off a huge portion of my bills....who could ask for more?
In the meantime, I'm still looking here in California - every day - no school districts are hiring substitutes, as they have a ready-made pool of laid off teachers....so, I will be taking a training course in a couple of weeks in order to become a reading tutor through the public library system....I WILL teach, no matter where it is! I am painting, cleaning out closets, and installing new light fixtures....I love my remodeled bathroom, and just have a few touch ups to complete it....finally!
I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be accomplished...but, one bite at a time, I'm sure I can do it!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Oh, I am not comfortable at all where I am at the moment....months of job searching have been fruitless...I am currently living on my credit line....this is NOT who I thought that I was...someone who always had a plan accompanied by the drive and the bull-headedness to see my plan through to fruition....well, the cards are being shuffled and I don[t know what the hand I will be dealt will turn out to be....quite the unsettling place to be, I must say! I still feel that I have some choices, however....at this point, I am not liking any of them,,,my daughter has always said that she and her husband are planning on me eventually living with them...this is NOT an acceptable option for me...I spent a LONG time on the phone with my dearest brother in Colorado tonight...he is all for me coming to Colorado and staying with him and his wife until I figure things out;..I am so grateful for the safety net that he is offering, but it goes against everything that I believe that I am....I am just confused and unsettled...not certain as to what the right thing for ME is...I LOVE my little house and the life that I have carved out here in California....I don't want to upset the equilibrium that I have painstakingly achieved...but life is about changes, right? Please keep me in your thougjhs and prayers as I work on figuring out what the right course of action for ME should be! Thanks! OX