Monday, November 16, 2009

Momma


I have come to that time in my life that contains losses.  Many of my friends have lost, or are in the process of losing their parents. I lost my mother a little over a year ago.  It was a long good-bye that began for her with the onset of dementia and poor health.  Our relationship had been tumultuous; my mom was a sober alcoholic for over 30 years, but she continued to have many emotional issues.  I was her caretaker - a job that began in my childhood and ended with her death. By the time that I had reached the conclusion that being her caretaker was not healthy for me, it was too late to make those changes in our relationship; in fact, it would have been an act of cruelty to stop taking care of her.  So, I persevered, and learned to overcome my resentment, replacing it with  forgiveness and, to the best of my ability, unconditional love.  As a fellow blogger shared in her post about the loss of her mother, I too became grateful for the gift of the ability to see the woman behind the label of "mother".

I had a wonderful dream about her last night.  We were together, sitting, talking and sharing.  She was healthy, both in mind and spirit.  She held me, loved me, and told me how proud she was of me and of the person that I was becoming. She was a vibrant, joyous person - the person who was always inside her and rarely had the opportunity to show during her lifetime.

Once again, I was filled with gratitude for the gift of having no regrets about our relationship, of having had the opportunity to tell her of my love for her, and to show my love by caring for her.   To the end, she did know who I was, and used me as her lifeline.  What a privilege this turned out to be.  Toward the end of her life, I had to write a poem for one of my classes:


Momma, you are getting ready to leave
I can see it in your eyes
Vague, wandering, punctuated
and bracketed
by moments of clarity.

Momma, you are getting ready to leave
I can see it in your hands
Thin, worn, punctuated
and bracketed
by the highways of your veins.

Momma, I know you are ready to leave
I can see it in your face
Lined, wrinkled, punctuated
and bracketed
by the love that still shines through.

Momma, I know you are ready to leave
I can feel it in my soul
Fearful, mourning, punctuated
and bracketed
by tears as yet unshed.

Momma, it’s all right that you leave
I know that you must go.
Weary, yet peaceful, punctuated
and bracketed
by the knowledge that your twilight has begun.

Momma, I’ll miss you when you leave
But no word remains unsaid
Love and friendship, punctuated
and bracketed
by memories of laughter and tenderness.


Not a great poem, by any means - but it describes my path during that time.  No regrets - that's what I tell my friends who are facing this inevitable part of life.....we need to face it head-on, feel the feelings, and do the things that need to be done and said in order to not live the rest of our lives wishing that we had done things differently.  I am so blessed that I was able to follow through and to do this.

I just loved my dream - It brought me much comfort and peace!

10 comments:

  1. I am so glad you had the moments spent in the dream with your Mama and that it gave you comfort and peace. I loved your poem to your mother, what a tribute. Your mother WOULD be very proud of you and the woman you are to be.

    Have a wonderful day enjoying the memories and the comfort and peace God has granted you!!!

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  2. Oh Saranne, this brought tears to my eyes. It is a beautiful, beautiful poem and what you wrote is a wonderful tribute to the unique and unbreakable bond we have with our mothers, no matter how difficult our relationships are sometimes.

    Your care of your momma was exceptional even if you didn't really want to do it. What matters is our actions. And how wonderful that your dream brought your mother back to you - thank you writing so eloquently of your love.

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  3. i have moistured eyes reading this, it is a beautiful poem. your mom proud of you for sure.

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  4. I love when I am visited by my mom in a dream. She has been gone 14 years now and I still miss her......love your poem....:-) Hugs

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  5. Such a beautiful dream Saranne. Thank you for sharing this post. It's clearly heartfelt and loving. And your poem-- wonderful.
    xo

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  6. Wow, what an inspiring post and poem, not to mention a wonderful tribute to your mother. I lost my father when he was only 58, but I did and said everything I needed to and have always felt a sense of peace when I think of him. My mother died when I was six and I once had a very vivid dream about her that I'm not totally sure was a dream, but left me feeling relieved and comforted.

    I also finished college as an adult. What a privlege to learn when we really want to learn isn't it?

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  7. This is a lovely post, your deeply moving poem describes your feelings with immediacy and sad but peaceful compassion.
    I am still struggling to come to a peaceful conclusion in my own heart.

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  8. This indeed is a beautiful poem and tribute to the bond you shared with your MOM. What a blessing you have shared with each of us.
    I just found your blog via sheryl's. I have joined to follow and look forward to getting to know you.
    Blessings, andrea

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  9. Thank you for coming by my blog! I love having new people stop by my site and I get a lot of motivation from people like yourself. I think this is a lovely post and a very beautiful tribute to your mother... I am sure she would be very proud of the way you expessed yourself in this poem.

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  10. i just loved your post...it brought comfort to me. thank you for your kinds words, they mean more than i can say.....

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